my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
