that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
