Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
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