moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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