I hate your face
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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