I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
