FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
