All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
