oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
