awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My bed smells like the plague
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