when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
