bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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