I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
my poor anus
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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