her vagina looked like bernie madoff
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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