***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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