Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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