There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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