If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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