You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
