i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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