Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
