What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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