You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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