Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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