Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
