You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
