First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
