I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
