i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
