she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
