Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize