I'd wear matching sweaters with you
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
