I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
