I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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