WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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