May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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