I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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