Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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