yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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