Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
