im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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