I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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