I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
