My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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