Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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