I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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