Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
