Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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