Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
