At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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