It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize