Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
