they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You are the jesus of drinking
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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