By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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