my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
