Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
