I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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