So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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