I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
