I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
