no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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