I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
