you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
