the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
